Bob!
/Bob has me marked. And, he has tried to mark me, literally. He missed thankfully, but it was close. And, what is irritating, is that I was walking away from the church at the time, so absolutely no threat to Bob or his nest. Bob, in case you haven’t read my previous blog about him, is the Herring Gull who has a nest on the roof of the church. Bob thinks I’m a threat. Bob thinks I want to do harm to his nest. So Bob takes very seriously the job of warning me that I’m getting too close. Bob now seeks me out. No, he really does. The other day I was walking to the church from the manse and by the time I got half way there, he was flying over me in low, dramatic swoops, squawking loudly. Yesterday I was walking back to the church from the gym (so coming from the opposite direction) and Bob was on the grass by the path. He saw me, flew to the roof of the houses opposite the church, began squawking, and then as I turned into Crabtree Road, began his fly pasts, swooping as low as he could over my head! What he forgets, what he simply doesn’t understand, is that I am not a threat to him or his nest. Thing is though, it sometimes feels as if he is a threat to me! How low will he come? Would he try to bash me with a wing, or try to claw me with his feet. I have been known to duck when he takes me by surprise! It’s unnerving. So now I try to look him in the eye. I try to show him I’m not intimidated by his swooping and squawking! I’ve even been known to talk to him. Not that he listens. And so it goes on, day after day. This morning while I was opening the gates, he swooped me a few time and then sat on the roof making his displeasure quite clear. It’s got me wondering about the things that keep trying to intimidate me, that are nothing to do with Bob, but the things that keep swooping down and making me duck. Things like the feeling that I’m not good enough. That what I’m doing is, in truth, a waste of time. That when things don’t work, or when people don’t turn up, it’s always my fault. That other people are better, or more likeable than I am. These are the kind of things that are always there, lurking somewhere. They’re just waiting for me to walk up the road so they can swoop and squawk at me. I know Bob is only trying to protect his nest, so I’m able to walk to the church and look him in the eye. Bob doesn’t win. I’m able to understand what’s happening and laugh at it. I have a context in which I can place it. And I know it won’t last, because in a few weeks, if there are any chicks in the nest, they’ll be gone and Bob’s job will be done. Not true of the things that swoop me that belong to me. I live with them. They are always present, looking for a chance to swoop and squawk. And they’re pretty good at it (it’s even happening as I write this blog wondering if anyone will actually read it). What Bob has made me wonder is how much I face up to the truth of what is going on in me, as much as I’m prepared to face up to what is going on around me. I’m ok at standing up to Bob, looking hi in the eye and talking him down. How much do I do that with the things that trouble me, that cause me to doubt myself, that cause me to think I’m unlovable, that I have nothing to offer? I know they’re there. Believe me, I live with them. Actually, I do get help. Regularly. But it’s a long, hard journey. “Bob” is always lurking. I’m getting better. I know much more about what’s going on in me, and I try to meet it head on. I’m much better at using my rational self to help me. And I’m much better at placing my inner world in the context of the bigger and far better story of God‘s love: to understand the truth about me in the light of the truth about God and what he thinks of me. I’m learning how that is the best way to face those things that I find challenging. God knows me. God understands me. God has me. God love me. Just how I am. Although I find Bob irritating, in a funny sort of a way he’s helping to face up to what troubles me, what is lurking, waiting to swoop and squawk at me, and to place those things in the story of God’s great love. Thanks Bob!