Birthday

I have a birthday in the next few days. Another one! I’m not really sure I want anymore. Perhaps the only good thing is that people think I’m younger than I am. Or is that simply denial on my part? My mum used to complain that people always thought she was younger than she was and expected her to be able to do things she could no longer do. I haven’t got to that stage yet. Maybe that too is denial - I still try to convince myself I can do everything I could do when I was younger. Mostly I can. Just not as fast! Recently though I’ve realised I’ve been doing something I used to to do when I was a lot younger. When you’re young you spend your life wishing you were older. You’re not 9 you’re nearly 10. Parents tell us not to wish our lives away. At least my mum did. I grew out of that. Then I grew into wanting to be younger than I am: I’d love to be 30 again! But now, recently, I’ve find myself wishing I was older so I could retire! I’ve found myself counting the years until it might, in some way, be possible. And it’s just dawned on me that I’m wishing my life away, again. I’ve wondered why. It’s not because I don’t think I have anything left to give, because I’ve got lots left to give. I am tired of some things, yes, but I have new things I’m doing. And deep down I know I have energy and stuff to give! On the other hand, I want out! I’ve been reading a book that may just have shown me something I need to attend to in all this. I need to attend to my soul. Life, illness, COVID-19, death, the loss of many plans, people leaving the church, new challenges, fear, worry, doubt, uncertainty about the future, loss in other people, demands on my time and energy, draining people, demanding people…have all taken their toll on my soul. And, now, I’m wishing my life away. What I’ve realised is that I need to attend to my soul. I’ll be another year older on Saturday. But I might not be another year wiser. That’ll only be true if I face the truth about the state of my soul. I will probably need to make some changes, attend to things I’ve begun to neglect, find ways to be creative and do what is good for the soul. I can probably keep going as I am. But I don’t have to. And God for one doesn’t want me to: “I have come that you may have life in all it’s fulness.” (John 10:10) So perhaps the best birthday present I can give myself is to begin to attend to my soul. I’ve made a start by reading a book encouraging me to do just that. And here’s final thought: this blog probably won’t get many likes because it’s not that kind of blog. But my best is that most of you reading this, probably all of you, like me, need to attend to your soul. The first step, as I have discovered, is admitting it. To yourself! So here’s hoping: another year older and another year wiser.