Struggling?

Yes. I am. I have been for the last week or so. And the few weeks before that too if I’m honest. Actually, mostly I’m struggling in one way or another. Most recently it’s because I got COVID again. I’m even embarrassed to say that. I sit here today writing this blog having tested negative this morning, so I’m out tomorrow! But just having to say I got COVID again sits uneasily with me. For one thing, I hate being ill. Although this time round I wasn’t ill. I got a croaky voice and that’s it. In pre-COVID times I would have carried on as normal and probably even have gone to the gym. But I had to declare I had COVID. For reasons that elude me., having to say I’m ill means I’ve failed somehow. No really, that’s how it is with me. I’m rarely ill, so to get COVOD again is…not good. And very quickly it becomes: what have done to get it again? What have I done wrong? And then not far down the thought process it becomes: why does God not stop this? What I have done that God wouldn’t stop this? And then we get to: God must hate me! If I listen to myself preach or speak, I know I don’t believe that. I will preach only that of which I am convinced and I say regularly that there is nothing I can do to make God love me any more, or any les. And yet, when I get COVID again I find myself wondering why God hates me. What doesn’t help me is that I am very aware that some people, lots of people, probably most people, suffer way more than I do. I know I have little to complain about. But, truth is, I’m struggling. And when I’m struggling my mind begins to go places that are not helpful. And often places that contain no truth. What is true is that in my struggling God doesn’t hate me. He never has and he never will. God doesn’t hate anyone. Ever. He doesn’t love me any less when my thoughts go down roads that are not helpful for me. He doesn’t see me any differently because I am angry and frustrated at catching COVID…again. If you look at the psalms, you will notice that the people of God oscillate between praise and despair, between declaring how good God is and declaring that he has left them and abandoned them. Looking back now, we would tell them that it doesn’t affect how God sees them: he still loves them more than they know! So when I so the same kind of thing, I’m doing what the people of God had often done: struggled to find their way through life and sometimes ranted at God because of it. Thing is, if it is true that God still loved them the way he’s always loved them, then maybe it’s true for me too. And you. I would preach that confidently because actually, that is something of which I am convinced. But, yes, I still struggle. That part of me is real. Very real. So is the part that wants to praise God. God sees all that make up me. And he loves me, welcomes me and wants me to come to him just as I am. So that’s what I’m doing today. Coming to you, and to him, just as I am.