Prodigals

It happened again this morning. Happens pretty much every Sunday morning. And some days in between, but pretty much every Sunday. I wake in a bit of a panic. Sounds a bit dramatic doesn’t it? Maybe I shouldn’t be telling you this, but I’m simply being honest. I wake in a panic because I find myself thinking I don’t want to do church today. It’s not that I hate church. I don’t. It’s not that I don’t enjoy being up front, or in this present time, in front of the laptop. Actually I do. I love it! It’s not that I don’t love to preach. I absolutely do. I wake in a panic because, somehow, I think I’m not good enough to do this thing called church. I’m not the person you all think I am you see. However much you think you might know me, you don’t. It’s not that what you know isn’t true. It is, it really is. But it’s not the whole truth. And I am acutely aware of what you don’t know. And, what makes me panic most, is that I know that God knows what you don’t know. And here’s the thing. I’ve told you that I will preach only that of which I am convinced, and that’s what I do. I don’t preach things I’m not convinced about. That doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes say things I’m wondering about. I do. But I won’t say something is true if I’m not convinced of that truth. But, just because I’m convinced of something doesn’t mean I don’t struggle with it. I am convinced that God can't love me any more than he does right now. But sometimes I struggle to believe that. Especially when I wake on a Sunday morning. Usually that’s when I’m struggling the most. It’s when the “tapes” or “scripts” or whatever you want to call them, that I’ve learnt through life are at their most powerful. So I really need to be reminded of what I spoke about this morning. (I have a sneaking feeling it makes God smile you know, when I have to do that: say the very things I am at the same time convinced of, but struggling to live in the truth of. It’s a loving, fatherly smile, one full of love and attention. He’s not laughing at me. He’d never do that.) I really need to be reminded that in my second choice world, whether that’s one of my own making, or one that has been thrust upon me, God is watching, waiting and loving me. And, that he will never reject me when my heart turns again to him. I have to be reminded that he never hates me whatever I do and however much I might hate myself. I have to be reminded that he is always ready to welcome me. Always. And, to those of you who will want me to add that for all that to happen I have come in true repentance, I say, I’m not convinced of that! You may be right, but that’s not what happened in the story Jesus told. At least I don’t think so. The son went home because he figured that was his best option, which is not the same as true repentance. He just knew on which side his bread was buttered! He says pretty much the same thing Pharaoh did when he kept coming to God after each of the plagues. Turned out he wasn’t being completely honest about what was going on. But we’re mostly the same. And, it makes God’s welcome even better, because he meets us even at the point when we’re not completely honest. Which is really good news for people like me. And I’m guessing for people like you too.