Identity

For those of you who don’t play golf, please bear with me. This is not a blog about golf, although you may be tempted to think so if you don’t read far enough (or you completely misunderstand what I think I’m trying to say). I have been invited to play in a memorial golf day on Saturday. It’s lovely to be invited to play, especially because it’s a memorial golf day - a day to remember a lovely man whose funeral I took 18 months ago after his sudden and unexpected death. He was a good golfer. A very good golfer. I know that because everyone said so and I once had the privilege of playing with him and was able to admire his golf. (Just for the record I actually beat him on one hole where he got a 4 and I got a 3 on a par 3. Just saying!!) And, as you probably know, I quite like to play golf, so an invitation to play golf is always well received. But, I’m really, really nervous about it. I’ve even dreamt about it. I’ve found myself lying awake in the middle of the night worrying about it. No, honestly I have. And I think I know why. Firstly and most practically, I haven’t been playing well lately. I seem to have lost the knack somehow. It happens in every sport and at every level: you have times when you play really well and times when you don’t. And I’m currently in a patch where I’m not playing well. When it’s just me and Terry, that’s ok (if frustrating). Terry’s really calm and we’ve played a lot together over the years so he knows how well I can play, even if I’m not. And we’re mostly having a chat as we go round the course, putting the world to rights! But a golf day is a bit more intense. People keep score! And there are lots of rules that come into play when it’s formal competition that when playing as friends we can choose to ignore. And then in a competition you play off the white tees, which means you have to hit the ball further to get to the hole. It basically makes the game just that little bit harder. Secondly, I have this challenge that if I don’t play well enough, I’ll struggle with what others might be thinking of me. Sounds a little pathetic doesn’t it. But if you have the same thing going on anywhere in your life, you’ll know what I mean. It’s not about having to win. It’s not that at all. It’s about being “good enough”. It’s about being accepted. It’s about identity. From my perspective, the odds on Saturday are against me. And I don’t want to let me or anyone else down! But here’s the thing: no-one else is thinking what I am about my performance on this forthcoming golf day. And I know that! Trouble is the “good enough” script is written deep into my psyche. It works out in the comparison thing: comparing myself to others. And, at it’s worst it’s destructive. When Jesus and Peter are on the beach (John 21), Jesus talks to Peter about the future and invites Peter again, to follow him. Peter does what I often do. He sees John and asks: “What about him?” Jesus tells him it’s none of his business what happens to John. It seems a bit blunt if I’m honest. But, maybe it’s Jesus way of being kind to Peter. “Peter you are not John and you don’t need to be like John. I’ll never ask you to be like John or answer for what I’ll ask John to do.” Truth is, I don’t need to be good at golf. It’s not my identity and it’s not what defines. It might feel like that when it’s not going well, but it’s not the truth. The truth is that, whatever happens on the golf day on Saturday, I am held by God’s magnificent love. I am greatly loved. Always. that’s what defines me. That’s my identity. It would be great to play well. But maybe I’d be better off remembering a better truth than what others might think of me!