Wondering

I was dozing while watching the football when the call came. I don’t usually have the sound up on the phone, but I’d been on call at the hospital the night before and had forgotten to turn it down. Turned out to be a good thing. But I wasn’t really with it when I answered. And I certainly wasn’t ready for what I was about to hear. It’s always difficult when someone dies. However much we think we’re ready, we’re not. Not really. It can be a relief. I’ve spoken to many people who have said the death of a loved one came as a relief.. And we know what they mean. The angst, the emotional impact, the physical demands of waiting for someone to die can be immense. And when the quality of life is severely limited, death comes as a relief. But we’re never ready. So when a death comes completely unexpectedly, we are rocked, shattered, devastated. We don’t know what to do. I didn’t and I was only listening. I did my incompetent best as Denise told the story of that morning and that Richard had died. I was struggling. There are no words. Not really. But I tried to be kind and compassionate and helpful.. My heart was breaking. I’m still breaking. And I’m wondering. Probably just like you are. I find myself wondering what God is up to. Ok, so I know, and I am confident that God doesn’t orchestrate disasters and he doesn’t inflict pain on the people he created and loves. What I wonder about is why he doesn’t stop things happening. Things like the unnecessary and pointless death of a relatively young man, who is in the prime of life and doing great things. Who has a family and so much more to give. I simply can’t find an answer. Maybe there isn’t one. Or maybe t’s simply too complex for me to grasp. Sometimes people say that one day we’ll know as if that’s a comfort. I think that’s a way of trying to get God off the hook, which doesn’t work for me. And, however hard it is for me to say, and it is, I don’t think we need to get God off the hook. He is simply beyond my understanding. What I think is better is to accept that truth, and accept that there are things we will never know or understand. That’s why I think the story of Job is so, so powerful. Job never gets answers. What he gets is a glimpse of the character of God. And that’s enough for him to say, “Now that’s I’ve seen a glimpse of who you are, I know you are beyond understanding, but I can give myself to you.” He didn’t actually say that, but I think that what he means. I’ve spent years wondering about Job’s children, the ones who died. Nobody ever talks abut them. Even commentaries don’t really address the tragedy, at least not the ones I’ve read. Not to my satisfaction anyway. The best I’ve read, which is beautiful but challenging, is that our children are best off in the hands of God. I agree. Whether they live or die, I absolutely agree. And that’s my comfort now as I try to find my way through the tragedy in front of me. In front of us. That our loved ones, whether in life or death, are best off in God’s hands. In saying that we trust them to the character of God. I still find myself wondering. But I am content that being in God’s hands is the best place to be.